DEPRESSION

SO, YOU FIND OUT THAT YOUR WIFE HAS A TERMINAL DISEASE, WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU CRY, YOU HAVE PITY PARTIES, YOU RESENT THE DISEASE AND THEN YOU SETTLE DOWN TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU CAN DO TOGETHER TO TRY AND DEFEAT AN INCURABLE DISEASE.

THIS WAS MY MANTRA, I SUFFERED FROM ALL OF THE ABOVE IN VARIOUS STATES THESE  PAST 8  YEARS.

WHEN HEIDI CALLED ME, SHE WAS CRYING HYSTERICALLY, STEVE I HAVE ALS, I AM GOING TO DIE, I WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE MY BABIES GRADUATE, GET MARRIED, BE A GRANDMA. . WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO OUR DREAMS.

THIS IS THE REALITY OF ALS FOLKS, YOUR DREAMS ARE SHATTERED, THE LIFE YOU HAD PLANNED FOR IS GONE,  YOU TRY AND LIVE A LIFE THAT IS AKIN TO RUNNING FULL SPEED WITH A BLIND-FOLD ON, KNOWING YOU ARE GOING TO HIT A BRICK WALL, BUT NOT KNOWING HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE TO HIT THE WALL.

PALS (PERSON WITH ALS)  LIVE FOR AN AVERAGE OF 3-5 YEARS, COPING WITH THIS REALITY IS SOMETHING THAT LIFE CANNOT PREPARE YOU FOR .

AT FIRST, YOU TRY AND PEEL THE ONION BACK ON THE DISEASE, YOU HOPE ITS NOT ALS AND YOU ARE ENCOURAGED THAT YOUR WIFE STILL HAS USE OF HER ARMS AND LEGS, SHE CAN TALK AND BREATH ON HER OWN.

REALITY SETS IN WHEN YOU WATCH A WOMAN WHO WAS ABLE TO WALK 60 MILES IN A WEEKEND STRUGGLE DOWN THE HALLWAY DRAGGING HER LEG. YOU CRY, BUT IN SILENCE..I CRIED A LOT IN THE GARAGE SITTING IN MY JEEP. I DID NOT WANT HEIDI OR THE KIDS SEE MY WEAKNESS, I NEEDED TO BE STRONG FOR THE FAMILY.

THIS STUPID MALE TRAIT REALLY TOOK A TOLE ON ME PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.

HEIDI AND I HAD ROUTINES WHICH I HAD TAKEN FOR GRANTED. AS SHE LOST HER ABILITY TO HUG ME, TO TELL ME SHE LOVED ME WITH HER OWN VOICE, AS WE LOST THE ABILITY TO DRINK WINE IN OUR KITCHEN AS WE COOKED DINNER, I SEEMED TO LOSE SOMETHING WHICH I AM UNABLE TO EXPLAIN. THIS LOSS MANIFESTED ITSELF IN BURSTS OF ANGER, CRYING JAGS, BURYING MYSELF WITH ALCOHOL. I WAS CLINICALLY DEPRESSED, I USED TO THINK ABOUT SUICIDE, AS MY LIFE INSURANCE MONEY  WOULD HAVE MAINTAINED HEIDI'S COMFORT AND CARE, PERHAPS LONG ENOUGH TO FIND A CURE.

THE LOSS OF MY WIFE, EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS ALIVE WAS BAD ENOUGH, BUT I ALSO HAD A CONSTANT FEAR OF RUNNING OUT OF MONEY TO CARE FOR HEIDI. THIS FEAR ONLY INCREASED AS I SAW OUR SAVINGS, OUR RETIREMENT FUNDS DWINDLE.

I USED TO THINK ABOUT OUR SPENDING EVERYTHING WE EVER SAVED ON HEIDI'S WELL BEING AND IN THE END I WOULD BE LEFT WITH NOTHING, LIVING ON SSI SURVIVING ALONE. THE THOUGHT OF BEING  ALONE AND PENNILESS SCARED ME TO NO END. HEIDI WOULD TELL ME THAT GOD WILL PROVIDE, I USED TO LAUGH AT THIS COMMENT AND TELL HEIDI TO STOP LOOKING AT LIFE WITH HER CHRISTIAN COLORED SUN-GLASSES. GOD IS NOT GOING TO PAY OUR BILLS OR YOUR CAREGIVING COSTS.

My dear brother Walt

WELL YOU KNOW, SHE WAS RIGHT..I WISH I WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO BELIEVE HER. MY DEAR BROTHER DIED IN 2006, HE LEFT US A LARGE SUM OF MONEY , TOTALLY UNEXPECTED. THIS LASTED ALMOST 4 YEARS...AT 100k PER YEAR FOR CAREGIVING COSTS, YOU CAN DO THE MATH.

AS THIS SUM DWINDLED, I WOULD GET CAUGHT UP IN WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW? DO YOU EXPECT US TO START CASHING IN OUR RETIREMENT FUNDS? DO YOU REALIZE WE WON'T BE ABLE TO PUT CHRIS THRU COLLEGE, DO YOU REALIZE I WON'T BE ABLE TO PAY FOR ASHTON'S WEDDING? HEIDI REALLY STRUGGLED WITH THIS REALITY AND MY REMINDING HER  WAS MY WAY OF LASHING OUT AT THE DISEASE, NOT HEIDI.. I LOVED HEIDI..I BELIEVED IN OUR VOWS, THRU SICKNESS AN IN HEALTH, BUT MY STATE OF MIND OFTEN TIMES CLOUDED THE REALITY THAT WE WERE BLESSED TO HAVE THE FUNDS, RETIREMENT, REFINANCING ETC. TO MAINTAIN HEIDI'S CARE.

HINDSIGHT, I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT WE HAD THIS WONDERFULLY RADIANT WOMAN FOR 8 YEARS.

IT SEEMED THAT GOD WAS PROVIDING AS HEIDI PROJECTED, THE INTEREST RATES CAME DOWN ALLOWING US TO REFINACE OUR HOMES, PULLING  MONEY OUT, EXTENDING OUR CAREGIVING CAPABILITIES ANOTHER 18 MONTHS. THIS IS HOW I THOUGHT , I WOULD ALWAYS TELL HEIDI, HEY WE HAVE 6 MOS LEFT, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO...WHAT A DUMB-ASS I WAS, HEIDI WAS AN ACCOUNTANT, SHE REALIZED WHAT WE HAD AND NEVER ONCE DID SHE LASH OUT AT MY WEAKNESS

I GUESS WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PREPARE FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO IMAGINE YOURSELF ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS TO HELP OFFSET YOUR DESIRE TO KILL YOURSELF.

I AM SURVIVING WITHOUT MY ANGEL, BUT ONLY WITH THE HELP OF MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.

DO NOT EVER TAKE FOR GRANTED BEING ABLE TO HUG YOUR WIFE, HEARING HER TELL YOU SHE LOVES YOU, HOLDING HANDS, LAUGHING OR EVENING ARGUING. LIFE IS NOT FAIR AND IT WILL TAKE AWAY YOUR DREAMS IN AN INSTANT.

THANK YOU FOR READING

STEVE